This is an excerpt from a 5 star review by a woman:

“I felt that Robert Mark Alter had a really good grasp of a woman’s emotional and physical needs and think this book should be highly recommended to couples considering marriage as well as those who are already married and struggling.”

And this is an excerpt from a 4 star review by a male:

“The book does not pull any punches when it comes to the way men act toward women in general and their wives in particular. Dr. Alter says that because of cultural and societal teachings, we all bring a lot of sexual baggage into any relationship. He is particularly strong in his assessment of men and their sexual beliefs. He really forces you to take a good look at your own personal attitudes and behavior.”

And, lest you think a practical book is without literary value, here’s an excerpt from a 5 star review by a female reviewer:

“In a few chapters there is some strong talk about what it takes to be a man but most of the book is laced with humor. I lost track of all the times I laughed. I really like the creative way this is written. At times it was breathtakingly good and even poetic.”

If you’ve read SEX WITH A MARRIED WOMAN: A MAN’S GUIDE TO LOVING HIS WIFE and found it to be insightful or helpful in any way, please consider writing a review on Amazon. This author would greatly appreciate it.

Here’s one:

Because they’re not yet men.  They’re still boys.  They’re not yet strong enough to withstand romantic, sexual stimulation when it comes to them in the form of a woman not their wife, nor are they strong enough to withstand their own inner reactions to this stimulation in the form of their sexual attraction to this woman, their desire for romantic, sexual intrigue with her, and their engagement in romantic, sexual extramarital behavior with her.  That’s what happened to David Petraeus.  And Tiger Woods.  And Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Eliot Spitzer. And John Edwards. And Mark Sanford. And David Vitter. And Newt Gingrich.  And Bill Clinton.  And  billions of other men, past and present, all over the world, whose names we never heard of.  All these men have been weak men—boys—who have not been strong enough to hold their inner sexual reactions and attractions inside themselves, where they belong, and not let them travel outside themselves as sexual behaviors with a woman not their wife—where they never belong.

This takes discipline for a man.  Discipline is a kind of strength.  Discipline is when you’re strong enough to not do everything you feel like doing in your life, and you do some things you don’t feel like doing—like controlling your sexuality—because you finally figured out what you really want to be doing in your life, which is to live your life as a strong, virtuous, virile man.  Sexual discipline for a married man is the strength to hold all his sexuality inside himself and inside his marriage and not let it go in any form or to any degree outside his marriage.  Married sexual discipline—the complete and absolute containment of a man’s sexuality within his marriage—is an achievement of manhood.  A man may have all the power and influence in the world—he may be a four-star general like David Petraeus or John Allen, a powerful businessman or politician, a world-renowned athlete, the head of a church, or the President of the United States—a leader, alpha, honcho, macho—but if he’s married and he doesn’t have his sexuality under his control—contained within his marriage—there’s a part of him that’s weak, not yet an adult man, still a boy.

In order to attain this level of manhood, a married man has to do two things.  He has to discard the patriarchal doctrine that it is okay and desirable and actually his right to have a romantic, sexual relationship with a woman other than his wife.  There is a deep, unspoken idea indoctrinated into males in patriarchal cultures the world over that it’s okay for a married man to engage in romantic, sexual activity with more than one woman—to have more than one woman—one on the side, a flirtation, a prostitute, a mistress, a threesome, the pornography on his computer, a second (or third . . .) woman to his wife.  The idea that a married man has a right to have more than one woman is so deep and unspoken in world culture that it’s mostly unconscious in a man, but it’s there, and it’s there when he sends an e-mail with erotic or romantic or flirtatious intent to a woman other than his wife, and it’s there when he goes jogging with her, and it’s there when they go jogging off to a motel.  A married man has to let go of that idea.

The other thing a married man has to let go of to attain the level of manhood I’m talking about is his penis if he’s pointing it in the direction of any woman other than his wife.  A married man has to take all the powerful and pleasurable energy packed in his penis and put it under the care and control and love and sexuality of his wife.  He’s got to create the kind of marriage with her—the kind of connection with her—that leads to a great lifelong sexual connection with her.  That kind of sex—good sex—great sex—is not only possible in marriage but one of God’s purposes for marriage, but it happens only when the wife feels so connected to her man in the other parts of the marriage, so pleased with him all over the marriage, that she wants to give and receive sexual pleasure with him in the sexual part of the marriage.  A man can do that—he can measure his masculinity by how good a husband he is, by how good his wife feels in the relationship with him—he can create that marriage—and he can have the kind of sexuality in it, completely within it, so that he never needs to point his sexuality outside it.

Why did David Petraeus do it?   Why did he blow up his career, his reputation, his family, and his life to have sex outside his marriage?   Why did this soldier, this good, strong, brave man, do it?

Because he’s still got some things to learn about marriage, and about manhood.

Copyright (c) 2012, Robert Mark Alter

Note that when they speak about the book they use its original—and poorly chosen by the publisher!—title, “IT’S (MOSTLY) HIS FAULT.”  When the book was published in soft cover, the title was changed to “GOOD HUSBAND, GREAT MARRIAGE,” and that is how it is referred to today.

Dr. Hawkins and Ms. Ford were overwhelmingly positive about the book. Though the show is intended for a Christian audience, Ms. Ford notes that the truth in the book applies regardless of one’s faith. Indeed, Ms. Ford recommends the book to men who are put off by relationship books with heavy religious language.

Here are a few of Dr. Hawkins’s comments about “GOOD HUSBAND, GREAT MARRIAGE” during the show:

“Robert Mark Alter is just saying it the way it is. It’s not cloaked in psychobabble or religiosity. I found myself reading page after page smiling, chuckling, nodding, going, ‘Yup, yup, yup.’” 

“This is right. Everything he said hit my heart. . . . I’m going to be a better husband tonight.”  

“I loved his words about being conscientious, conduct, and character. We have got to ‘sail the three C’s.’ So men have to be conscientious; we have to watch our behavior; and more importantly, our behavior is one aspect of our ongoing character, who we really are.”

“Mr. Alter is right!  It’s a big deal. We men have been behaving badly. He says that and I’m going to endorse it. . . . We must change. We can change. And when we change lots of good things are going to happen in our marriage and relationships.” 

You can listen to Lynne Ford’s and Dr. Hawkins’s entire discussion by clicking HERE.

For those who have read “SEX WITH A MARRIED WOMAN” but not “GOOD HUSBAND, GREAT MARRIAGE,” I recommend it as a companion piece, as it looks at the husband’s role in the entirety of marriage, in and out of the bedroom.

Passion
Need a little Passion in your love life? Dr. Laurie Betito takes your intimate calls about love, sex and relationships. Podcast interview from CJAD, 800 AM in Montreal, featuring
Sex with a Married Woman: A man’s guide to loving his wife with author Robert Mark Alter May 21st

Hear: The Author Connection with Robert Mark Alter

William Arthur

Sent in by H.G.   (Georgia)

Sent in by H.G., Georgia